Little did I know when I wrote the last post almost a month ago the tragic events that were going to occur only a few days after.
That Monday afternoon, January 14th, I'd gone with my mom to a doctor appointment which was in the same building where my sister worked as a nurse for a pediatrician. She'd been sick so we decided to stop in and see her after mom's appointment.
We took her to get an x-ray and then back to mom's house to be taken care of. She seemed to be doing better by Wednesday but mom found her unresponsive on the floor Thursday morning and she died in the ER a few hours later. She had just turned 49.
I was never close with my sister. We approached life from different directions... we had opposite personalities, opposite outlooks on life, opposite desires and goals, opposite ideas about what was fun to do.
But I can't begin to describe the pain of losing her...it caught me off guard. I never expected to be close to her but I never expected to lose her either...I figured she would outlive me by many years.
To have her be gone, to be so real, to be really REALLY gone...my mind could not conceive of it for a number of days. It was too upsetting to dwell on it for any length of time so I would force my mind elsewhere. But with each next step, it became more and more real.
I struggle with anxiety, even when life is going smoothly, so the next 10 days were only survived by the grace of God, moment by moment! I KNOW I can trust God...I KNOW I should trust God...I WANT to trust God in everything...I say I trust God and I do and I try to live it out.
But I don't know how that all fits together with these panic attacks so I confess what I should, fight against this problem, give myself a break when I can, and do my best to just do the next thing.
My appetite was gone and I was dropping weight very quickly...forcing myself to eat what I could when I could. Once I hit 113 lbs on my nightly weigh-in, I quit weighing myself because seeing the weight loss only added to my anxiety.
Once the memorial service was over and the rapidly occurring, very important decisions were made and things settled down into the "new normal", my appetite returned and I gained back up to my original weight.
The Weight Watchers meeting stats:
January 17, week 32 - missed the meeting, no weight
January 24, week 33 - 115.0 at meeting, 108.6 at home, clean weight
January 31, week 34 - 116.6 at meeting, 111.0 at home
February 7 week 35 - 116.2 at meeting, 110.8 at home
I haven't been tracking for a month now but I've been maintaining my weight just fine. I find myself mentally tracking though and it seems to be ok for the moment.
I'm not saying that I'm stopping tracking but it does feel nice to not have that extra to-do item even though it's a small one. I think I might start using the paper tracker to at least write my food down and the points if I know them since I have the concern in the back of my mind that it might not be the safest thing to plan on not tracking in any way.
So...here we are today: February 11th... only 17 more days left in the "dreaded winter months" challenge...I'm pretty sure I'm gonna make it! My first winter in YEARS to not gain weight that has to be lost in the spring!!!
I still never got my bead for my Pandora bracelet and on Thursday I earn my 2nd bead. I've got them picked out...just need to go to the store to get them = )
A special thank you for those reading this that have been praying for me and my family this past month. What a wonderful gift from God. {{{hugs}}}
